A very LONG time. A lot has happened. To me. To my life. To everything.
Some good and plenty more bad.
For the last six months I thought I was happy...For the most part I think I was. But the way I feel now pretty much outweighs any happiness I ever felt in that time.
You see, I started to have FUN. And lots of it. I was having the time of my life. I met someone who helped in that area. Yes, it's a guy. But it was only supposed to stay fun. Guess what? It didn't. It got complicated. It got BAD.
We agreed and was happy that we were only in it for the fun. No seriousness. No labels on each other. Just FUN. You see I'd been good at keeping my feelings out of these sort of matters. I just wanted to feel wanted and liked and attractive - for once. He made that happen. I didn't want the conversations, I didn't want the sappy looks or hugs. Turns out he lied when he said he wanted the same thing. He wanted to get to know me, he wanted to have the conversations and the sappy hugs. So the stupid and lonely part of me let my guard down and actually considered this guy to be someone I could actually 'like'.
Oh, how wrong was I.
This boy likes to play games. This boy likes to think he's in charge. This boy hated that it was him always doing the chasing for me. Then the tables turned. I suddenly wanted to see him on a Friday night. I wanted to speak to him even if it was just to ask how he was. I wanted the hugs.
Then just as I could feel my resolve slipping for him, he let me know it was over. Whatever it was that we 'had' was done. He got bored - apparently. Not my fault. His. He made our little arrangement 'monotonous'. Not me.
Then I made a stupid comment to one of my girlfriends and said 'You know what would be really funny now that he's ended it? If I found out I was pregnant'.
Turns out - Not so funny.
A week later I was staring at that double pink line. I thought we'd been as careful as we could have been. Turns out not so much. So I did what any adult woman would have done. I went to tell him.
He wasn't thrilled. He wasn't sympathetic. He was actually quite cold. I try and tell myself now 'Should I have expected anything else?'....I knew him well but I always hoped he'd show me he could be different. He just showed me exactly the person I knew he would be. Doesn't mean it made the hurting less. In fact it made it worse. As I realised just how stupid I'd been.
Cut a long story short, I'm no longer pregnant. He made his decision clear. I made the adult choice to not bring another child into this world with a father that didn't want any part of it. It is the hardest and most gut wrenching decision I've ever had to make.
To be fair to The Boy he did step up in the only way he could. He proved that he has potential to be a good man. He came to all my main appointments with me. He was there for me and I never expected he would be. But there he was.
He really surprised me. We spent a lot of time together through these appointments. Which meant we had time to actually talk. He opened up to me in a way he hasn't before, even to his friends who think they know him the best. He showed me this wasn't just going to affect me. He was truly sorry and proved he was going to be there for me. He was. A little too much sometimes but that was just 'his way'. As the weeks went by I saw him change towards me. He got slightly over protective, more caring for my feelings and he actually started to show a bit of emotion for me.
Still doesn't change anything though. He'll never change. The annoying part of it is - I don't want him to change as stupid as that sounds. He is who he is. I just wish things could have been different. I wish I could have been the kind of girl he could put on his arm and parade around and be happy to show off to his guy mates. He thinks I'm still his to play with and to mess with. I don't wanna be that girl anymore. Not for him, not for anyone. I'm fed up of being the 'Dirty Little Secret'.
I wanna be skinny, I wanna be pretty, I wanna be attractive, I wanna be liked, I wanna feel wanted. I want to be HAPPY. And not just fabricated happiness. I mean REAL happiness.
It's true what they say 'If you're happy with yourself then so will everyone else'. Well, I'm not happy with me - Can't you tell?
I'm always going to have that underlying hatred for myself for the decision I made. It's just the way it is. It was the easier choice. Hate myself? Or hate something that hasn't done anything wrong? The choice I made was right. Doesn't make it hurt less. Doesn't make that part of me that wanted it disappear. But I guess I'll just have to deal.
There have been other guys since The Boy but I've just got into a routine of actually NOT CARING...None of them want me, not really. The way I see it is as long as I hate myself it's OK for people to use me. As there's nothing 'good' to use anyway. Every part of me is bad to the core.
I'm used to being the girl guys like to fuck and not the girl guys like to be seen with. Just the way life is for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't put it about to a different guy each week. This is how its been since I could remember. I just finally figured it out.
So yeah I'll put on this facade of being 'fine' and I'll try and get better at hiding my feelings for The Boy but there's only so long you can fake being OK before something cracks.
Trust me, I know all too well.
